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The toy has been sitting in your nightstand drawer for weeks. You both know it’s there, but neither of you has brought it up. Maybe one of you bought it out of curiosity, or perhaps it was a gift. There’s some excitement about trying it, but also a little uncertainty about how to get started.
Bringing a new toy into the bedroom can raise a few questions. Who should bring it up? Which toy should you try first? And how do you make the experience feel natural rather than awkward? You don’t need previous experience with sex toys to get started. Talk about what interests you both and choose a toy that feels manageable for a first attempt.
Why Sex With Toys Can Feel Better Than You Expect
Adding a toy doesn’t mean changing everything about your sex life. Sometimes, it’s just about trying a different kind of stimulation or finding something you both enjoy.
A vibrator, for example, can provide steady stimulation while both partners focus on enjoying the moment. It may also help take some pressure off when one person finds it difficult to reach orgasm through other forms of stimulation.
Toys also give couples something new to experiment with. You might discover that your partner prefers steady vibrations over pulsing patterns or enjoys stimulation in an area you hadn’t considered before. Those discoveries can give you a better idea of what to try next time.
Using a toy doesn’t mean replacing your partner. It’s another option you can enjoy together, as long as you’re both comfortable.
Get Ready Before You Play
Checking everything beforehand means you won’t have to stop halfway through to find a charger or lubricant. Take a few minutes to inspect the toy, prepare your supplies, and make sure it’s ready to use. Nobody wants to discover a dead battery during an otherwise enjoyable evening.
For a closer look at using toys for better play, review the basics before experimenting together.
Check Materials and Charge Time
Knowing how to use sex toys safely starts with checking their materials, controls, and care instructions.
Non-porous, body-safe materials such as high-quality silicone are popular because they are easier to clean and do not absorb moisture in the same way as porous materials. “Medical-grade silicone” can be a useful description, but it is primarily a marketing term rather than a universal certification—so prioritize toys made from non-porous, body-safe silicone and buy from reputable brands. Avoid products made from questionable materials, especially if they have a strong chemical smell or an unclear material description.
Charging methods vary between models. Many rechargeable toys use magnetic USB cables, while others have different charging requirements. Give yours enough time to charge before using it. If it runs on disposable batteries, keep a fresh set nearby.
The waterproof rating is worth checking, too. A waterproof toy can generally withstand more water exposure than a splash-resistant one, but the terms don’t mean the same thing. Read the manufacturer’s instructions before bringing any electronic toy into the shower or bath.
Pick the Right Lube
Lubricant helps reduce friction, making contact more comfortable and lowering the risk of irritation. Even if you’re already naturally lubricated, having a suitable product nearby can make a difference.
For silicone toys, water-based lubricant is the safest default choice. Silicone-based lubricant can damage or degrade some silicone toys—particularly lower-quality, porous, or unclearly labeled silicone—so avoid using the two together unless the toy manufacturer explicitly says they are compatible. Water-based lube works with virtually all toy materials, washes off easily, and may need reapplying more often during longer sessions.
If you use a non-silicone toy, such as glass, metal, or ABS plastic, silicone-based lubricant is usually compatible, but always check the manufacturer’s recommendations first. If you experience irritation, stop using the product and check its ingredients.
Clean Before and After Every Use
A quick wash before and after use helps keep your toys clean. You don’t need complicated equipment for routine care. Warm water and mild, unscented soap are usually enough, as long as the manufacturer’s instructions permit them.
Wash the toy before use to remove dust or residue from storage. After using it, clean it right away rather than leaving it on the bedside table overnight.
For toys that aren’t fully waterproof, use a damp, soapy cloth and avoid getting water into charging ports or electronic components. Dry the surface with a clean towel, then let it air-dry completely.
Once the toy is completely dry, place it in a clean storage pouch. Storing it separately from other products can also help protect its materials from damage. Store it somewhere clean and dry, away from direct sunlight and excessive heat.
Set the Mood and Agree on Boundaries
You don’t have to introduce a new toy in the middle of sex. In fact, discussing it beforehand can make the experience easier for both partners.
Bring it up during a relaxed moment when neither person feels pressured to make an immediate decision. You could say, “I’ve been curious about that toy we bought. Would you be interested in trying it together sometime?”
Give your partner time to respond. They might be interested but unsure how to use it, or they may prefer something simpler to start with. Neither response should create pressure.
Talk about boundaries before getting started. Decide which activities are comfortable, whether either person wants to avoid certain sensations, and who will control the toy. You can also agree on a simple word such as “pause” to signal when someone wants to stop or take a break.
If either person changes their mind during the experience, respect that decision. There’s no need to explain or defend a boundary in the middle of an intimate moment. Feeling comfortable matters more than sticking to a plan.
How to Have Sex With Toys, Step by Step
Your first experience with sex toys may take some time to get right. Different settings, positions, and sensations may feel better or worse, depending on the person. Start with something familiar and adjust as you go.
Start With Foreplay
Begin with familiar activities you both enjoy, like kissing, cuddling, and touching. Taking time to reconnect can make bringing a new toy into the experience feel more natural.
When both partners feel ready, bring out the toy. You can switch it on and test its vibration against an arm, thigh, or another comfortable external area. This lets you hear how loud it is and become familiar with its controls.
If one partner feels nervous, let them hold the toy or explore its settings first. Becoming familiar with the device can make it less intimidating when you decide to use it during sex.
Add the Toy as Things Heat Up
Once you’re both comfortable, try moving the toy closer to the areas where you want stimulation. External use is a practical starting point, especially if you’re still learning how to handle the device.
Ask whether the sensation feels good or if your partner would prefer a different position. You can also let them guide your hand so you don’t have to guess where to place the toy.
One vibrator is enough for a first attempt. You’ll have a better idea of what works before adding anything else.
Adjust Speed and Pressure Together
Start with the lowest vibration setting and increase it gradually. Some people enjoy stronger stimulation, while others prefer a gentle, steady vibration. The highest setting isn’t automatically the most enjoyable.
Once you’ve found a comfortable intensity, experiment with the available patterns. A pulsing setting may feel different from continuous vibration, so let your partner decide which one they prefer.
If you’re holding the toy, your partner can place a hand over yours to guide its position. This lets your partner direct the toy without either of you having to guess where it should go.
Slow Down and Check In
Vibration can feel different after several minutes, particularly when the toy is placed against a sensitive area. Reduce the intensity or switch the device off if the sensation becomes unpleasant.
Numbness, stinging, or pain are signs to stop and reassess. You can add more lubricant, change positions, or return to other forms of touch. If you continue to feel discomfort, stop using the toy rather than pushing through it.
Aftercare and Cleanup
When you’re finished, switch off the toy and place it somewhere safe. Avoid leaving it under pillows, blankets, or other items that could press against its controls.
Take a few minutes to relax together. You might cuddle, talk about what you enjoyed, or simply enjoy each other’s company. If something felt uncomfortable, this is also a good time to discuss it without pressure.
Clean the toy according to its care instructions. Once it’s dry, return it to its storage pouch or case. Rechargeable models can be charged according to the manufacturer’s recommendations rather than being left plugged in unnecessarily.
Ways to Use Sex Toys in Bed
There are several ways couples can incorporate toys into their sex lives. The best starting point depends on the sensations you enjoy and how comfortable you are with different devices.
Vibrators for External Stimulation
Vibrators are a common starting point because they come in many sizes and designs. Small bullet vibrators are easy to handle, while larger models may offer different vibration patterns and intensity settings.
A bullet vibrator can provide external stimulation during kissing, touching, or penetrative sex. One partner can hold it in place while the other focuses on enjoying the activity.
You can also take turns controlling the device. This gives each person a chance to explore different settings and communicate what feels comfortable.
Remote Control Toys for Teasing
Remote control toys give couples another way to share control. Depending on the design, one partner can wear or hold the toy while the other adjusts its settings.
Some models use handheld remotes, while others connect to smartphone apps. Features vary, but many offer multiple vibration patterns and intensity levels.
You can explore remote control vibrators if you want a device that lets your partner control the sensations.
Agree on who controls the remote and how the other person can ask to change or stop the stimulation.
Cock Rings for Shared Sensation
Cock rings fit around the base of the penis. Some versions include a small vibrating section that can provide additional external stimulation for a partner.
Select a ring that fits properly. It should fit securely without pain, excessive pressure, or discomfort. Read the manufacturer’s instructions before using it.
Pay attention to how long you wear the ring. Thirty minutes is a common general safety guideline, but the right limit depends on the ring’s material, fit, and the manufacturer’s instructions—so follow the specific product directions first. Remove it immediately if you notice pain, numbness, swelling, or changes in skin color.
Massage Wands for Slow Foreplay
A massage wand is another option if you prefer to start with something less intimate. Use its vibrations on your shoulders, back, thighs, and other comfortable body parts.
If the wand has strong vibrations, begin at a low setting. Using it over clothing can also soften the sensation.
Try the wand on your back or thighs first. Both partners can test its settings and decide which intensity they prefer before using it on more sensitive areas.
Dildos and Vibrating Dildos for Variety
Dildos come in different shapes, sizes, and materials. Some are designed for vaginal use, while others are specifically made for anal use. Always check the intended use before trying a new product.
A non-vibrating dildo can be used alone or during partnered play. Vibrating versions offer extra stimulation and may include adjustable settings.
If you plan to use a dildo anally, choose one with a wide, flared base to prevent it from slipping inside. A toy without a suitable base should not be used for anal penetration.
Use plenty of appropriate lubricant and allow enough time to get comfortable. Stop if you experience pain rather than trying to push through it.
Using Sex Toys During Sex: Positions That Make Room
Adding a toy during intercourse can take a little coordination. You may need to adjust your position so there’s enough space for the device and the person holding it. The following positions leave room for a toy without requiring too many adjustments.
Spooning
In the spooning position, both partners lie on their sides facing the same direction, with one partner behind the other.
The bed supports both bodies, so neither person needs to hold much of their weight. This creates space to hold a small vibrator against an external area. The partner in front can also guide the toy themselves if they prefer more control.
This position can help couples keep movements gentle while avoiding uncomfortable arm positions.
Missionary
The traditional missionary position may leave little room for a toy, but a few adjustments can create more space.
Try placing a firm pillow under the receiving partner’s hips for additional support. You can then hold a small bullet vibrator between your bodies to provide external stimulation.
Either partner can control the device. If the angle feels uncomfortable or the toy keeps slipping, change its position rather than forcing it to stay in place.
Cowgirl or Reverse Cowgirl
When the receiving partner sits on top, they can control the pace and depth of penetration. This gives you more flexibility to reposition a small vibrator.
In the standard cowgirl position, both partners face each other. The person on top can hold a bullet vibrator against the clitoris while maintaining eye contact.
In the reverse cowgirl position, the person on top faces away from their partner. This creates a different angle and may leave more room for either partner to hold a toy against an external area.
Common Mistakes to Avoid
A few avoidable mistakes can make using sex toys less comfortable. Keep these points in mind:
- Starting at the highest vibration setting. Strong vibrations can feel overwhelming, particularly when you’re trying a new device. Begin at a low setting, and turn up the intensity only if it feels right to you.
- Using too little or the wrong lubricant. Friction can cause irritation and discomfort. Water-based lube is the safest all-purpose option, especially for silicone toys; avoid silicone-based lube on silicone toys unless the manufacturer confirms compatibility.
- Ignoring each other during play. A toy shouldn’t replace communication or affection. Keep checking in and pay attention to what your partner enjoys.
- Using a toy for the wrong purpose. External and internal toys aren’t always interchangeable. Check the manufacturer’s instructions, particularly before using a product for anal penetration.
Frequently Asked Questions
How Do You Introduce Sex Toys Into the Bedroom With a Partner?
Bring up the idea outside the bedroom, when you have time to talk without feeling rushed. Explain that you’re curious about trying something new rather than suggesting that something is missing from your sex life.
Ask your partner what they think and listen to their concerns. If you’re both interested, choose one simple toy and read its instructions together before using it.
Can You Use a Vibrator While Having Penetrative Sex?
Yes. Many couples use small external vibrators during penetrative sex. Bullet vibrators are popular because they’re compact and relatively easy to position.
Use a suitable lubricant, start on a low setting, and adjust the toy to your comfort. Either partner can hold the device and adjust its position.
What Are the Best Sex Toys to Use During Intercourse?
Small, easy-to-handle toys are often practical choices. Bullet vibrators, couples’ vibrators, cock rings, and remote control toys are among the options worth considering.
Think about the type of stimulation you want, how much space the device needs, and whether you prefer to control it yourself or let your partner take the lead. Trying one toy at a time makes it easier to work out what you both enjoy.
Is It Normal for Couples to Use Sex Toys in Bed?
Yes. Couples use toys for different reasons, including exploring new sensations, adding variety, and learning more about each other’s preferences.
You don’t need a particular reason to try one. Both partners should feel comfortable with the decision and be free to decline or stop at any time.
Does Using Sex Toys During Sex Desensitize You?
For most people, using sex toys does not cause permanent loss of sensitivity. However, strong or prolonged vibration can sometimes lead to temporary numbness.
If this happens, lower the intensity or take a break. If numbness persists, and particularly if you experience pain, see a doctor.
Give That Nightstand Drawer a Second Look
That toy in your nightstand drawer doesn’t have to remain untouched. You might enjoy using it together, discover that a particular setting isn’t for you, or decide you’d rather try something else. Your first attempt might go differently from what you expected, and that’s perfectly normal.
If you’re both curious, start with a conversation. Take the toy out, check its instructions, and talk about what you’d like to try. You don’t have to solve everything in one evening. Sometimes getting comfortable with the idea is the hardest part.